Monday, July 25, 2005

Papa

I wrote this for my dad's dad after he passed away a couple of years ago and read it at his funeral instead of a reading. Even now, I make an effort to read and reread it, because it reminds me so much that there are infinite aspects to people and reminds me that everyone plays different roles in others life. It reminds me my mother is a sister and a child, that my brother is a friend and a partner, my best friend is a mother - it reminds me to look harder at them as a whole and that gives me so much more respect for each of them.

From before I can remember
you have been a part of my life
so I guess I presumed you always would be.
And now, when I discover this is no longer so
I find myself grasping for some remnant
some small thing to keep you near me a little longer
because I am scared of losing a constant from my life.

I unconsciously passed up all the opportunities I had
to ask you all the questions I wanted to ask
and say the things I wanted to say
because I always took your presence in my life for granted.
Isn’t it strange,
How even when we realise what we take for granted
it is virtually impossible to act on
that awareness in the present?
It seems we can only conjure up those opportunities
as past tense.
Imagined regrets.

I was shocked to look at you one day
and see a frail and withering old man.
When did this happen?
Perhaps if I had payed more attention
I would have noticed the gradual change.
The steady decline.
Or perhaps I did notice
but refused to acknowledge even the possibility
of the inevitable.
That this world had taken it’s toll on you.
That you’d given this life, and me, all you were capable of.
That you were tired.
Tired of struggling.
Tired of fighting.
Tired of simply existing being such an effort.
I still don’t understand how you took it all so passively
and simply accepted what came with resignation.
But then,
I guess my youth sees the world for it’s possibilities
and your experience saw it as it really is.



I know I neglected to show you how much I love you.
I guess I always assumed you knew.
Assumptions are dangerous things, aren’t they?
I hope more than anything there was never any doubt in your heart.

I’ve always thought of you
in relation to the role you have played in my life.
Not as a whole person
who has lived and laughed and cried and loved.
I realise now that I didn’t really know you.
That there were so many other roles you played
and parts of you I never knew about.
And while I regret that my perception of you
was only partial,
I appreciate that I was allowed to know you
completely, unconditionally
and free of judgement
in that role you played in my life
and the lingering imprint that will leave.

I want to say thank-you
for all the things you have ever done for me.
I want to say sorry
for the things I didn’t do,
and some things I did.
I want to tell you how much I admire you
and how much impact you have had on me.
On the parts of me that are so precious
and so personal
I find it hard to compromise them and make them known
for fear they will somehow be marred or affected
by the world outside of my core.
I want you to know that your very existence
reached into me this far
to influence the person I have become
and the person I want to be.And I want you to know how very grateful I am for this

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